This weekend, our family ran The Crusher Race.  It is a race in honor of a fireman, that benefits BackStoppers and Responder Rescue.  A few weeks ago, we were invited to join our son’s buddy and his mom on the race.  Last year, we did a kids mud race together on a smaller scale.  This race had different divisions and we opted for the 5K with 20 obstacles.  Our boys enjoy watching shows such as America’s Ninja Warrior.  They talk about strategy on achieving the obstacles and get an excitement from watching the participants.  The Crusher Race was more challenging than the mud race last year.

When we registered, I shared with the boys I would participate, but would not be running to win.  Walking and bike riding are my two choice aspects of fitness.  Running is not my strength.  My goal was to complete some of the obstacles and to try new things.  When we arrived to the race, we were in awe of the setting.  The farmland was beautiful, with ponds, creeks and outdoor spaces.  Excitement ensued when Luke and his buddy met up.  From the time the songs started playing, we had boys dancing with excitement for the race to begin.

The race started and the runners darted.  I decided I was just going to hang back and go at my own pace.  We learned that there were no winners in this race.  The race was not timed.  The winning was for your personal goal of accomplishing the race.  One of the first obstacles was going through a pond that had mud across the bottom.  About a third of the way, my shoes became stuck in the mud.  My husband wasn’t too far for me and retrieved my shoes.  We progressed through a variety of obstacles: mud pits, climbing structures, crossing creeks, climbing up hill and going downhill.

We came to one obstacle which was crossing a creek with the choice of two bridges.  One of the race workers shared with us the pros and cons of crossing each bridge.  The first was a bridge ladder that wobbled and you had to main balance to cross.  The second bridge consisted of balance beams of various widths.  Our crew started the second bridge and when it came to my turn, I had to figure out my strategy.  “How was I going to cross this bridge?”  My husband yelled, “Do you want help?” I said, “No, I got this.” The worker came over and said, “You earned a badge because I heard you say, “I got this.”  She told me to turn the badge in at the end of the race to get a prize.  I learned that if a worker saw good in others or heard them say something to push through the challenges, they would give participants a badge.

I started on the balance beam and made it halfway across.  I had the badge in my hand and was trying to put it somewhere, when I lost focus and fell into the creek.  I am not a good swimmer, so I was startled and just hung onto the skinny balance beam board until I could get across to the other side.  In the past, I would have given up, but now I have learned opportunities are about trying.  Soaking wet, we approached our next obstacle and it was crossing the creek again on the opposite side.  The task was to shimmy down a wooden, wobbly ladder, then get yourself on these metal square platforms to get to other side of the creek.  Our boys and friends were on the other side waiting.  I said to my husband, “I am doing this my way.”  My way included going down the wooden ladder and edging over to the first platform.  Most were walking, jumping or running fast to get to the other side.  My style consisted of scooting and crawling over the creek.

The past year, has been a journey of trying to have peace, while also progressing through healing.  Last year, on Labor Day weekend we announced our expected child who was to arrive the next Spring.  It was such a happy time for our family.  Eight weeks later, he arrived. We said our hello and goodbye in one day.  Pushing through this last year, has been difficult.  The support of family and friends have been wonderful.  A book I have read many times over the past year a book that is titled You Are Not Alone Love Letters from Loss Mom to Loss Mom written by Emily R. Long.

The book is rather short. It is composed of moms who have lost children at various stages and share their experiences of grief and healing.  It also talks about the guilt moms place on themselves, thinking they could have prevented their losses or be at fault for their losses.  At times, those feeling creep into my thinking “Why didn’t I notice signs?”, “What did I do to cause this?” and “Why is there no definitive reason that we lost our son Hope?”   My friends who have been through loss parallel the books theme, reiterating we are not at fault for our losses.  The mom in us wants to protect our children and that shows an immense amount of love.

As I read books, I always have a pencil or pen to write notes or highlight parts of the books to remember.  In You Are Not Alone Love Letters from Loss Mom to Loss Mom, one passage of the book has been one that has resonated with me the most.  It says,

“Just take one step, and then another

When you can’t take one step, it’s okay to crawl.

When crawling is too much, it’s okay to take a rest.

You will get up again.”  (Long 128)

In the race this weekend, I had to take one step at a time.  Crossing the platform bridge consisted of crawling to the other side and that was okay.  When I fell off the bridge into the creek, I took a rest and got up again.  Getting up again is the key to continue on the journey.  There have been days, where it has been taking one step at a time.  In the early days of grief, there were times of crawling into bed.  When the grief was too much, I learned it was okay to rest.

At the conclusion of the race, I turned my badge in and retrieved my prize.  It was a glass with the logo and makes for a nice refreshing reminder of the race.  We all need to take one step one day at a time and when needed we can rest.

Crusher Race Information

You Are Not Alone Book