Thank you for reading about our journey.  The journey has been difficult, but we also have experienced good in the midst of this journey.

When I went to the doctor for my monthly appointment in October, I was so excited.  Each month was getting closer to his arrival.  I remember the day when my nurse called me back, we talked about little things.  As I was waiting for the doctor to come in, I did not expect the unexpected.  I felt so confident and wore my favorite pair of pants to work that day-my pink paisley pants.  It’s the little things in life…

My doctor came in and we talked how things were going.  He said “Well, let’s listen to the heartbeat.”  The last appointment his heart was beating…thump thump.  As the Doppler was being done, there was just silence.  I thought it’s no big deal.  Our son Luke was always hiding during check-ups when I was expecting, so I thought Hope was just hiding.  After a few minutes, I thought this is not good.  The doctor went and got the ultrasound machine and came back.  I laid there silently.  As I saw our angel on the screen, I knew.  My doctor said, “I am so sorry.”  I remember letting out a cry and was just helpless.  Since my doctor was an hour away and Matt was at work, we decided I would go home and talk to Matt and call back to see when we would be going to the hospital to deliver.  My nurse friends saw me as I walked out and I replied “I lost the baby.”  They were as stunned as I was.

Of all days, my phone had a three percent charge.  Note to self, always bring the phone charger…I had to call Matt before I drive the hour home.  I kept praying please let there be enough charge on the phone.  Looking back, I could have used the phone at the doctor’s, but I wasn’t thinking right needless to say.  When he picked up, I remember crying “We lost the baby.”  I shared when I arrived home, we needed to decide when we going to the hospital.  As I drove home, I had to be on auto-pilot.  I talked to myself, cried and talked to the baby.

When I pulled in to the garage, I thought “How am I going to tell Drew and Luke?”  They were looking forward to having a new sibling.  We were planning on having Drew and Luke share a room, while we turned one of their rooms into the baby’s room over Christmas.  After I came in, Matt said “I told the boys.”  Drew came around the corner and said, “Hi Mom.  I heard.  I am sorry.  It’s okay.”  Our Drew is genuine and has a heart for others.  He gave a hug and went to be with Luke who was playing.  Luke really didn’t understand at that moment.  Everyday when we would come home and I would get their snacks after school, Luke would kiss my shirt on my belly and say “I love you baby.”

My favorite creatures are butterflies.  In our garden area, there’s a butterfly stone.  In my sewing/art room, there is a butterfly wall hanging.  I have butterfly pins and barrettes. Perhaps, it is their colors and design that make me like them.  The amazing aspect about butterflies, is their transformation.  The symbol for infant loss is butterfly.  Butterflies mean more to me now than ever.  This experience is a transformation like a butterfly.    It will continue to be a process.

*My new necklace.  I stopped in at Olive Tree in Wentzville around Christmas.  At that time, I was going through the motions of being in the holiday spirit.  My best friend was meeting me for lunch and I stopped by this store on my way to meet my friend.  If you know me, I love antique and vintage shopping.  As I was getting ready to check out, I saw this butterfly necklace.  I love that you can exchange snaps within the necklace.  I bought the H initial snap for Hope, along with an additional snap to be shared on a later post.

Here is a link to Olive Tree Market Place

Olive Tree Market Place